end of 2011 = 2012 end of civilization? ballocks!

Hai guys, I wont keep you to long on this last night of 2011. But this 2012 ballocks wont happen ;) We wont die! Well we will.. but not everyone at once- seems a bit ridic
My year has been very eventful. I've managed to learn a lot from everyone I've met.
I entered the year puking to the count down. I then had to travel 14 hours to Paris. That was a struggle but alas it was worth it. I have met so many newer people this year. Your all amazing, you've all influenced my lives in very special ways!

This year will be spent expanding the skills I've learnt.

To all those reading: I wish you the most perfect new years. even if you are puking your guts up ;)
Friends and Family I love you <3

Happy New Year :)

December.

Its the early stages of December but yet it's the later stages of the year 2011 starting to fade away from us.
It's really some time where everyone feels slightly cold and very festive. The high streets have never seen such busy weeks and months. The woodlands are bare from the autumn rush of leaves and the nudity of the trees are just tragic. The market boosts the sale of pine trees which in a few days will sit comfortably in somebodies quaint yet cosy living room where the room will be covered in Christmas type decor.
Many children skip the streets in December not knowing the true meaning of Christmas, most of them believe its about their parents giving in and spending an extortionate amount of money on electronic goods which will be stolen later on the following year.

The outbreak of snow will happen snow. The cold annoying winter months lead up to the horrendous craving to stay in bed and be more lazy than ever. I just wanna stay in bed and never leave.

The best parts of Christmas is:

• Taking tacky photos with Santa. See below.
• The food which makes Santa fat, plus half of Britain in that case.
• Xmas/ New Years eve parties.
• The family atmosphere together as one. Even if it means arguing over the television on both Christmas and Boxing day.
• The Sky+ box at home which I miss when I'm at Uni.

As you can see I'm not an amazing fan of Christmas apart from the above features. But like I promised- here's a tacky photo of me and Santa.

Countless Minutes.

The more i think about the place, the closer it gets. Each second passes and the time gets shorter. I will be back soon. Soon enough to finally relax and not endure a turbulent collaboration of work and late night thinking sessions which would prevent even the heaviest sleeper from getting any rest. I couldn't even imagine resting while I'm in this state of mind. Sleep was a blissful thought nonetheless. I wish i could get enough of it just to make me feel sane enough to survive this ever binding life I'm leading at this precise moment.


This is definitely not healthy doing this. I'm glad the summers over- I can finally settle back into the student phase of going to university and having goals and targets. I mean I'm still not a real student, I always work still- just not hours as grim as these. I still manage to squeeze in 20 odd hour weeks as well as 5 days of university. Its crazy to call myself a student and still work as many hours as someone that doesn't go to university. But, that's me all over- one crazy bitch. 


All of my friends get shitfaced and spend the next three days with hangovers- while i stick to getting shitfaced and waking up 2 hours later and running a store - that to me is a crazy life style. 


Lets just get back to the place I've been missing for the past few months. I'll be able to have some normality- finally.

my back to the wall.

I sit here listening to Papa Roach. The sun outside is shining; scorching the ground. My dogs struggling to suvive outside in these 'extreme' british conditions - Im stuck inside with the luxurious luck of the fan spinning 90 miles an hour above me. The summer is filled with pesky children up at 8am running around the streets while im either getting ready for work or laying in bed nursing my self after the heavy night beforehand.

This summer has no guidelines - essentially im stuck working or living life as a simple nineteen year old. I should be learning about myself and taking up new hobbies and becoming 'aware' of myself. The only reason im not engaged in learning about myself is that i've already done that during my first year of university - the peak of being a fresher. I've learnt what my body can handle and what i cant physically do as a person - thats my huge learning curve which ill have to renew sometime soon.

Friendships and life itself should blossom but it isnt. Im stuck in a damn routine which im made to believe im just 'living'. It has its ups and downs but i tell you- when its at its 'low' it really is at its LOW. God knows when this will stop- momentarily filled with fake smiles and biding my time with music and passing the time with a single cigarette.

Due date today?

These nine months have literally flown by, the incredible amounts of alcohol I've consumed and the lack of sleep hasn't made me become insane or even dead yet. The 9 month period was proof that- like a good friend of
mine, i would be having baby right now. Bless her she's due in a week, amongst my aunty whose also due today. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be having a baby at this moment in time.

I couldn't really put into words the stuff that's happened in the last nine months because it would be a journey written in a novel rather than a short blog story. I've literally learnt alot more than I knew about 10 months ago- in my naive early months of being eighteen. I've got so many amazing friends at uni and back home, both places I can share incredible memories with over this summer and the next years of university that follow.

Atleast I don't feel lonely and unfortunate like I thought I would after Octobers setback (only close friends know this hard time I went though)- it definitely shows that if you believe in yourself and acquire amazing friendship groups like mine, you can do anything. Now this bad experience I had back in October has became a distant memory which only effects me when I really think about it.  

In the last nine months I've shown my independence though a tattoo, the jingling of my car keys as I run to a lecture I'm about to be late for. The increased concern for organising money and paying bills with the simple stress of working obscene hours while I still manage to go out drinking three or four times a week to get trollied. 

That's my been my life in a nut shell for the past nine months. If your reading this and I've gone to university with you -then I'd like to say a massive thank you for making me feel incredible and I love you all!
However if your reading this from being someone back from home- don't worry this is what the summer is for; to introduce ourselves and reunite our friendships.

I'll miss everything this year has brang me but not to worry as I'll have this again in another four months (hopefully)

skinny love.

This song came on when I was driving back from Southampton. It inspired me to write this as soon as I came in.

I started to forget the bereavement my heart had associated with you. It seemed like a distant sickness which alarmed me. My brain was relaxed as I drove no more than 80 mph on the motorway. I knew the journey like the back of my hand – the piano of the song made me daydream a little. I gazed over my dashboard, the dust that laid there must have been the oddest combination of ash and age. My eyes traced the edge of the steering wheel as my housemate was relaxing in the passenger seat with her eyes closed, seat pushed far back. I couldn’t imagine her thinking about how I felt driving at this exact moment of the day. Her mind was pondering just as mine was. I continued to look at the control board of my car. I saw the millage clock and I was shocked to see how many miles I had done since Christmas, since you came into the car – that moment I only remembered I’d hit 80,000 miles. Unluckily I remembered this. I’m currently just off of 83,000 miles. I couldn’t remember how I had done three thousand miles. The piano played an intense solo, I contained to think. I didn’t think of you directly.. It was more around you if anything.

I remembered a plan we had with a few friends – a road trip over the previous summer gone. It seems so long ago I imagined the same atmosphere in my car and momentarily forgot my housemate was there. I imagined three girls, all giggling in my car – following a car filled with boys. We were headed south west towards Cornwall. I laughed again, I remembered how ridiculous the idea was, and only because I disliked one of the girls so much I wouldn’t ever let her step foot in my car or near me for that matter. I laughed and the song ended. My day dream was interrupted by my housemate’s laughter. I smiled bigger than I had all journey – I was glad it wasn’t real.

friends.

The underlying breath is the final truth. I came learn more about myself in these last few months than I ever have. I always compared things back to you. I have no idea why. You’re a virus, something that taints someone and stays with them even a while after you’ve gone. I’ve picked up the pieces and I’m not going to say thank you, you don’t deserve anything more than a goodbye, which would be a push at most. We all make mistakes, its just a way of life.

I’ve come to realise I have things many people don’t have, a closeness of friends. I’ve got individual groups I can talk to, broadened horizons. I’ve taught myself how to trust people who are genuine and are true friends. I’ve come to find myself an adorable sister-like figure. She makes me giggle and makes me feel like I’m normal just like everyone else and not a complete fuck up. She still manages to find me funny and interesting even though I get so paranoid I’m a boring person.

I’ve also met my best friend, someone who keeps me sane and helps me with literally everything. He’s seen me cry, seen me in so many bad times but we’ve managed to deal with even the toughed of problems. He isn’t going anywhere. 

My wife keeps me happy and reminds me I have got that sense of home even though I’m 80 miles away. She wouldn’t see me as a friend if it wasn’t for university. All I can say is god bless university.

I’ll be honest I think I’ve won, I have people who love me and it seems you struggle to keep that element.  This is my life and I love it, even if some times life isn’t how I want it.

Hahaha seems like me all over.

Enjoy your day and thanks for reading ^^

Gan Coner - 'Man of mystery'

Mysterious

The day had passed and it was now time to prepare. I lead my friends up to my room and we began. We placed on our tightly fitted dresses and seductively placed make up on our faces. We giggled as poured exotic spirits into glasses. We drank the luscious fruity filled drinks, our blood boiled and rushed to our cheeks. We almost had everything ready. The last finishing touches allowed us to proceed onwards. The stumbling down the stairs and silly giggling and the struggle to walk in our glittering heels, we finally reached the taxi.

The giant club stood proud in a desolate street, even though it looked like a converted house, it managed to stand out.  The beautifully lined up fence took us to the queue of excited tipsy people, all waiting for the same experience. The music boomed through the walls, we couldn’t wait to get in. The queue didn’t take long but the coldness ate out bones.

            The arch shaped doors were held back by two well-built men, they checked our identification and we proceeded. The pitter-patter of feet echoed down the corridor, slowly drowned by dub step music. The large building situated around a bar and a dance floor, the ceiling was soaring above us, admiring the music. The dance floor was crowded and my hazy blur found it difficult to keep track of my friends. My hand let go, I couldn’t see them anymore. Idiotically I headed back on myself. Then I realised I was wrong and went back again towards the dance floor. I knew I was beyond tipsy now. The sounds from the DJ slowed down and I passed through the large door frame. It was difficult to see, my jacket caught the door.

            The atmosphere seemed dark and hazy, but a shadow touched my shoulder. I turned around as they pulled my jacket from the door handle. He smiled. His completion was almost perfect, I took a breath. I knew my hazy eyes couldn’t see very much but I focused hard. His slick brown hair fell perfectly around his circular face. He was still gazing at me. My face was red and I seemed like a drunken fool, he was still attracted to the unpleasant attempt of me trying to fix my hair. One of his eyes shimmered in the light; he had two different coloured eyes, sky blue and emerald. I lost my thoughts and I froze, I couldn’t talk. Luckily the dub step had covered the awkwardness of conversation. His teeth glittered while he smiled at me. I honestly didn’t know where to look, I knew I was breathless. 

easter.

For a student the relief to go home is soon. You finally get to go home, for me I'll be nice because I haven't been home since January. It seems like such a long time, it has I guess. I wondered what others were doing/ what my university friends had planned. In the bottom of my stomach, the thought of going back made me feel like a foreigner. This is because; the past 6/7 months everyone back home has lived life without me. Work back home would have replaced me; my room has been taken over by Justin Bieber posters and tacky love hearts - the evil doing of my younger sister.
That damn poster gives me nightmares when i sleep in my own room. It's rather uncomfortable.

When I’m back home for more than a week, I blend back into routine. Although this time I go back things will be a little different. I won’t be planned into work; if I have a shift I’ll know the night before. This makes me feel much unorganised; as I’m a relatively organised person normally. This time my mum won’t be there as much as she said she would – lucky buggers going to Tunisia; while I’m stuck with the woes of coursework, excessive binge drinking and loud dodgy music.

The main aspects of going back home would be those chocolate eggs, they’re terrible for your teeth but they make you hyper and taste so damn good. I’m sure I’m in for my fair share of chocolate when I’m home. I love going home – although the summer will be different, once again.

The only things at home they’ll make me feel uncomfortable will be the memories I got rid of and the ‘school girl’ anxiety of trying to fit in again. Hopefully it’s easy enough, I hate going back – getting into the joist of being at home then having to go back again.

When it’s due to come back I’ll miss my parents cooking, I’ll miss my friends and I’ll miss being able to be free/ independent when I go home. All I have to say to my parents to go out is ‘cya later mum I’m off out.’ – That’s it. No questions, no answers.  I know this would have been very different if I hadn’t of gone to university. Your parents automatically think you can look after yourself, I can but still want my mummy and daddy :)

memories.

It's always a nice thing to have. Memories.

Its nice to know that sometimes someone will think about a memory with you in it. Its nice to know you were loved by someone, at some moment in time. When you have the evening alone, engulfed in your bedroom, wrapped in your duvet. Your mind wonders, then as if by magic your in your own place. The place you go to isn't like a holiday destination. It's a risky place they'll effect your emotions. Curiously thinking about random time periods in your life can either make you happy or sad. You could be thinking about a nice time with your friends, or a darker thought about an ex. It all has its effect on you.

I have overcome this 'place' several times. Only a couple of days ago I had three hours to relax, i layed in bed and my mind went adrift. My original thought was sleep, some kind of power nap. That thought soon became a distant past as I thought about a dark part. This area of my head had been forgotten for a few months. I had been focused on other things, and not this one specific thought.
I laid there, before feeling happy and content with life in general. I felt a rush of sadness creeping in, it felt odd because it began to be anger. Then it transformed into a more mellow type of sadness.
God knows how you can change moods so quickly?
It was silly but it makes you wonder, can you actually control these damn things?

vibe.

I like when you finally have a happy vibe. Even though the hairdresser fucked up my hair. I feel confident enough that tomorrow will be amazing.
I'll be able to get  my Reading Festival ticket early, see my group of friends that make me feel like I'm part of something. I hope the weather is nice, warm at least, just so I can wear my sun glasses and my pair of leggings.
In final addition it'll be nice to eat pizza outside for the first time in a while, since last summer.

Although I'd be spending the evening checking over my essay, I'm sure my day will set me in a good state of mind to tweak my work to perfection (or as much as I can)

I cant wait for the summer, to have BBQ's under the sun. sometime it'll be cold but the sun will just make us all feel upbeat and happy!

deceit.

One of the most deceitful things must be the sun. We see it shining so brightly through the window, automatically forgetting the heating still on. Then we decide to put on summer clothes, and all we get is shivers and goosebumps as soon as we step out the door. You hug yourself and run faster than you've ever ran before, just to acquire a jacket. If you get the chance of course. If your running late you have to be cold all day.

Maybe if the sun was a human, it would be classed as a compulsive liar. Someone who lies and lies and lies, until it gets to the point where they start to believe their lies?

"ooooo look at me, I'm so bright and warm. Wear nothing muahahahaha!"


If im honest, this photo makes the sun kind of creepy. But it justifies my point surely?

Point of advice:
When you see the sun outside, always think twice. outsmart the sun and wear a coat! Then hey-pressto you've got the upper hand :)

downfall of us all.

Im still alive.

I don't know why I've been so busy, its always a case of taking the step back. Taking the step off the ground and not going out and seeing what the world has to offer. That itself takes more time than keeping yourself busy. Although I've been at work, some lectures and seminars here and there. I have come across some emotions in the last few weeks which have never really came to light as much as they have before.

Obsession, Greed, Jealousy and Happiness.

I'm not trying to say that I've never seen these before while being at university, but my eyes have seen them much clearer since Christmas.
Obsession was a good one, i noticed it in the most obvious way. I have never known myself to hate someone because of it though. I mean we all have our own guilty pleasures; mine being a few things: pop tarts, sleep and my phone.
I've seen it more through the emotional sense of people. The need for attention, mainly over social networking sites. Its like they're trying to say HELLLLO to the world.. several times of the day, in the space of a few hours.
Usually you ignore such people but it gets to the point where people start to notice the wider side of it and make them the main name of discussion for said attention seeking. I do wonder if it will stop. The mood swings give me a headache.

I have found some happiness through these emotions. I have realised I need more time to myself. I need to make a new hobby. Learning guitar has been hard but its always something to smile about. It makes you smile when you realise your actually putting effort into yourself and not always on other people.
Im glad over the last 6 months I've learnt so much.  Definately makes me feel content and somewhat happy with everything, even if i have completely off days.

routine.

I need a new routine, a routine where i don't go out as much as i do, something I can actually stick to. Sigh.. this is gonna be hard. I need to do work and stop missing uni so much! Its only the second week and Ive missed 4 days out of 10!

Just going out to much will be difficult. Going out at university doesn't entirely mean being drunk all the time, but it is a common factor of being a student. I actually always have an opportunity to go out, everyday at least one group of my friends are doing something, the temptations are always there! Its good knowing i actually have friends that make me relatively happy, but also tiring. I find myself murdering throughout the days, struggling to concentrate on anything related to work and university (which of course is very bad!)
I cant describe how tired and exhausted i get, just enough to make me throw myself on my bed and sleep almost instantly.

But its not all bad, the past weekend has tired me out the most. I had two consecutive gigs, both 70 miles apart. The lonely drive through the night made me very sleepy, even though i was with my friends at point A and B. The first gig literally made my life. Its one of my favourite bands and i generally loved every moment of A day to remember. I nabbed a set list and witnessed a girl having a asthma attack (pretty sick).

I first smelt London, the nostalgic smell of dust and humidity under the underground reminded me of previous times I'd visited London before university. It was nice but i was eager to approach Camden. It was my first time here and i witnessed the infamous Camden market. All hassle and bustle, such a define bunch of random strangers. The streets were constantly busy and it excited me i was close to home. After being bombarded with Chinese and cigs, I had grown some balls to try some shisha and try and smuggle my 'under-age' friends to smoke some too. I manage to blag it, like most things. We sat there with our shisha pipe (this makes me giggle saying this) tasting the apple tobacco. It was lush.

The first sight of a 'A day to remember' t-shirt made me rather excited by the fact i was about to see one of my favourite bands. Its been two years since i found them.. two long years without seeing them, that's a disgrace.  I began humming my most favourite song. I yearned for them to play this.

We swiftly moved forward and the gig was packed, the queue went on for miles. I heard sirens and nothing distracted my attention from the door, not even the bitter cold. i guzzled down my can of relentless and managed to get inside. The vast amount of doors baffled me. I gambled and walked through one of them and found the stage. We had missed the first support band, word of mouth told me it wasn't to good. I was glad i had missed it. I pushed forward and finally found a better location. I pushed more and more, the intensity of heat scorched my skin and i finally, finally felt the cool metal bar at the front. A Day to Remember came out. My face pinned back a smile. I had waited so long for this. I fell in love.

I literally became transfixed on the shadows behind the screams and smoke. They started playing and my ears jumped with excitement. Everyone enjoyed themselves. The sensation of water being thrown over your face is amazing when you've been sweating so much. The gig was over, they played my favourite song. I couldn't of been more happier. My legs took me home to my car. The train journey seemed hazy as i was still transfixed by their voices.. my ears were ringing insanely like a fire alarm but not in the annoying tone.

I drove home, the night was bland but the 80s music through the car stereo kept me awake. I was dreading the 7 hour shift the next morning but i was overly happy.

early!

Its quite early, I actually never wake up at such a time. '5.53 am' did this even exsist on the clock? I guess it does now I've finally seen it. It's been a while since a wrote anything on here because of university; all of a sudden had its 'peak' with coursework. It's over (pretty much), thank god! First blog of the year by me.. Happy New year (feels strange saying it mid-way through January)

Maybe I can finally relax but unfortunately it isnt so easy. I guess atleast Ive got a few things to look foward too.. a nice road trip (thoughts of my being the driver puts me off though), the summer and just geniunely going back to uni. Although i honestly dont like my new timetable, 9am Monday mornings WILL kill me, espcially when i used to have them off!

On a more positive note, ill be able to write more and have more alone time. (maybe being single and alone has its peaks? hmm, we'll see) It's quite depressing!

I have a nice couple of gigs lined up for the next few months. I just wish they're as good as im making them out to be in my head, so I don't get disappointed! I need to 'sort' my head out. Imagine if you can take your head and just put on another one without changing your appearence, 'as if'. I need to do some exersize.. Christmas is catching up with my stomach! Gym perhaps? I just hope im not one of those who makes such a big deal out of going then.. waking up before university and being plain lazy and not going. We'll see.

I feel Im drifting! Ive got so much on my mind its hard to express anything. I wouldnt wanna expose my private life through a blog. This is one of the only times I'll have to be selfish. Maybe I need a gameplan, thats hard when you can't plan the future. I wish.. it would be so easy.