near death experience which scared my to death regardless.

The excitement was enough to push me to leave. I left in such a hype. I was going home for the weekend before Christmas! I had packed and organised the first part of the weekend, before I'd have to come back and work. Everything was thought out. Some plans where missed out, which saddened me but put things into perceptive.

I grabbed my bottle of coke and started the voyage back home. I felt amazing, my belongings in the boot and a random variety of thoughts came into my head. The coke didn't help, it made me overly excited but fit the emotion perfectly. 

After taking the wrong turning off the motorway I undertook a massive loop. Now I was back on track, I could see the motorway in sight. The Bendy corner was icey, I wish I had known this. I was going to fast. My hand hesitated and moved the steering to fast. 
My tires screeched and I couldn't focus. My heart threw itself into my mouth and my stomach hid behind my bones. It curled up trying to protect itself. The time sped up.
I was going around the corner faster than sonic (only 60mph) and naughtily I was supposed to be only going 40. 

My tires smoked and the car swivelled around at a 180 degree angle. I sat there in horror looking at the left side of the car. I questioned the damage.

My breaths where short and I shook like I had parkinson's. I turned the car around and reached hastily for the hazard lights. My hand grabbed my phone. My fathers voice calmed me down and I got out of the car and looked at the damages. I was shaken up but that didn't stop me being curious. I moved my car forward and there were no damages. It was luck. 

I knew if I hit the side fence I would of been a goner. My thought process sped up mid event but luckily my little saxy was unharmed. I was scared but my car was still in tact. until I got up to 60 again. my car shook harder. Worse than I did earlier.. my tracking had blow up.

alcoholism knows best. "please drink responsibly" yeah right.

Oh my. the past two days have been smothered in alcohol and working for 8 pounds an hour. My weekend began on Sunday and ended Tuesday morning. my 10 hour shift and a swift movement to carnage made me tired. It was colder than ever. The alcohol made me warm. I cuddled bottles of it. My eyesight was hazy but there was masses of people here there and everywhere. All my mates got with SOMEONE. I refrained and cringed at touching. it wouldn't be right. I moved on and continued to drink in attempt to keep warm. 

A Tree, an Elf, Snowmen and Candy canes: carnage was welcoming the festive month of December. I decided I would be a Santa for the evening. it reminded me of the talent show off of mean girls, minus the meanness but extra savy.

Smiles galore as my eyes tried to close and sleep. I was rebelling as we made out last stop at the most desired place. we had made it. all of it seemed like it was filmed on a cheap handheld camera. The building towered us. we got in and insane girls and boys frantically danced. violently shaking their hips and grinding slowly to Xmas songs and club anthems. after processing the detail, a hand. someone grabbed me. I was pulled towards music. towards the songs. we all danced without a care in the world.

The night progressed with everyone together again. it was cold and the only things on my mind was food and sleep. I stumbled in the door through a crowd of people. knocking and shoving. we leapt at every movement. 

I woke up face planted on Tasha's bed. good night? yes!

The orgasm of the day was in the form of Mcdonalds breakfast. A doubled up breakfast burger made my day. I went back to Tashas for a few hours and monged out. it was time to go back to work for another 7 hours. I went.
swiftly I moved to and from work. it was a struggle but I had  accomplished it well. 

I came home to Tasha, we all drank jäger after jäger after jäger. it was time to move again. it seemed like it had happened exactly the same before!
I had moved to tiger tiger. roarrr! we got in on a very cold struggle and warmed back up with double vodka redbulls to maintain my energy. 
I looked up and uv paint bubbles were launched in the air. delicately sliding down everyones bodies as they danced. i smiled at the beauty. A club with more than one music room is amazing. we can definitely have the drunken choice of music. My eyes struggled, 17 hours of work had taken it's revenge. I finally was ready to throw in the White flag and sleep like a baby. 

Second night face planted in Tasha's bed.
i arose, my eyes heavy and my mouth dry. I need more sleep.

snow.

I wake up intending to go to uni. The snow is laying there. Stopping me from leaving. Im stuck in a new house, a new place. Although I'm welcome to stay, I didn't wanna impose. Well I'm here now. In her bed, she's asleep. Her tiny body is resting, I can hear every breath. The children next door have the day off too it seems. I can hear jolly laughs and cheer as they discuss the snow and play outside. 

Whenever the snow falls and sets, nobody is mature. Everyone has the temptation to throw a snowball at someone, just for the smiles and banter. Everyone has a child inside them. 

granted.

I thought I'd start writing about something we all take for granted. (most of us anyway, including me)
I love my car. It's my first car and I'll always remember it. Everyone I know has given their car a name, I struggle to find an appropriate name for my little silver saxo. People have tried naming it for me but nothing seems to catch on. I've even tried being boring and gave it the name saxy! Even that sounds odd. How do you name anything these days anyway? How do babies even get their names. When you name something, most of the time, it doesn't get an opinion of it's given name. It's always up to the person who's got the authority. I mean a baby doesn't come out and say 'Look, I hate that name, call me Susan.'  that would confuse everyone. 

I take my car for granted and damn do I feel lazy for going out of my way just to drive to work even though it's ONLY a 40 minute walk. But to be fair, given the chance, I'm sure 8 out of 10 teenagers would be the same. Even in such cold weather! Fuck walking at 6.30 in the morning! 

I hate work. It makes me so horrendously tired. I always come out of work lacking in energy and when I get in I have to curl in bed. It's always so tempting to drift off to sleep but I never sleep at a fixed time anymore. It's always whenever. For example. I came in from work at 5.30 and made dinner. I left my housemate and laid upstairs. Before you know it, 9o clock I'm fast asleep and now I wake up at this ridiculous hour. 

What's wrong with me!

help me.

Being so awake at such horrendous times makes you appreciate sleep more. I have a decent day planned but it'll be hard not to yawn and feel relatively tired. After waking up with some images in my head which I didn't want, it makes you suffer inside. I need to completely move on this is ridiculous. I need some kind of game plan, my life is drifting nowhere. My life is inhabited by it's past. I need to get something amazing and new. Please let today help me entirely to find something new. 

After a long and eventful weekend it was time to finally process everything that happened, back home and at work. My muscles tightened and my eyes bloodshot and struggling to keep up. I'm dead practically. I can't focus and my body is on autopilot. How can I get out of such a mess? Im struggling when your on my mind.

I need to think logically and distract myself. This is going to be hard.

confusing and getting it all right combination.

Trying to figure out what you actually want is quite hard. It's hard in terms of losing things you want more than other things. It's hard because you know there's consequences but you wanna know them before the worst happens.

Being so occupied with thinking of everything is very time consuming and tiring. I find it's even more hard to concentrate while your actually trying to live an everyday life aswell as having your mind set on other things. It's like you don't realise things are happening. 

This week I've Learnt a lot, my emotions have been up and down like a roller coaster. Its been From wanting somethings so much, and then for a split second, having them in the palm of my hands several times in the space of a couple of days. 

What a weekend

Wow, what a weekend. Honestly been an eventful weekend consisting of alcohol, marker pen and work. The oddest combination.  Well at least on the morning of when my coursework was due in, I can quite happily say. I submitted it 5 days before! Friday I finished uni, a pretty standard situation, when I got home two of my housemates friends where around. I seemed to be awake and not tired, we stayed up and decided to retire to bed for a further day of shopping. Saturday we decided we'd wake up early and buy some clothes for a themed bar crawl called carnage. 

Over the past two days I have learnt that Carnage is actually the messiest night I've experienced with alcohol. After working a 9 hour shift on Saturday, it was time to get messy. We all brought bottles of drink over mine, pre-drinks galore. Then came all of us girls with heels, showers and false eye lashes. Eventually we where all ready to leave. Most of us were tipsy and confidently walking to the taxi in heels. Drink after drink, this evening was turning into a blur, we ended up in liquid and I got lost. I was so drunk and unable to walk (barely) I just remembered this guy taking me outside. He was nice but showed me to my housemates. They where relieved to see me in one piece. My night was over. 

Monday morning was a struggle, I actually had a 8 hour shift ahead of me. I woke up faceplanted in my bed. I woke up early, my mates where still up, I had near enough no sleep. I dragged myself to work, my nose smelt the alcohol and cringed violently as my empty stomach churned. God help me.

I got a taxi to work, I wasn't gonna risk drink driving, that's the last thing I want. To be pulled over, loosing my licence and regretting the bottles of drink I'd consumed in the previous night. I arrived at work and it was hard, the battle to actually be a manager while I felt like this was terrible. I was in the freezer, minus 18 degrees. I froze. Time dragged and I begged for the pace to speed up. I finally got up and decided to go home. Hungry and exhausted I eventually became overly tired and died inside.
What a weekend. 

hallowseve.

I started the week well and went to Oxford to celebrate my Halloween festivities! I wished I'd dressed up, but I didn't have time! Lucky I had work off!! First off I drove to Guilford to pick up some friends, the drive was so boring! Staying on one motorway for an hour and a half makes you so sleepy! On the way through Hinehead there where intense roadworks (again) so it turnt my 40 min drive into a hour and half!! 

I got to Guilford and went straight to Oxford. The drive was straight forward, even though I had a cheap sat nav. This sat nav was so cheap, my iPhone screen is bigger! We got to Oxford and grabbed a subway for our hungersome bellies. The queue for the gig at Regal, was insane already! It was 4o clock, the Doors didn't open till 7!! Most of them where dressed up, waiting for various Halloween bands! 

The hours went past quickly as we watched young 14 year olds in the queue attempting to make themselves drunk. Wkd and breezers made them tipsy, it was always fun to watch. 

The relief as we started to move. I was getting sick of this fake 'emo' bitch, trying so hard to get a lift off me after. She had known me a total of 10 mins! FINALLY We got inside, older people got drinks at the bar and we filed ourselves directly to the front. 

As the place filled up, the tighter you got squashed. You where forced into the back of someones head or someones arm pit. I pushed myself to the front bar, this was amazing. 

Firstly Deaf Havana came on first to set the mood. I couldn't understand a word they said!! The Blackout made the crowd go wild and the emo from the queue had already crowd surfed and been kicked out atleast 4 times!

Finally the momentum built up and Kids in Glass Houses came on. We saw the lead singer down atleast 3 bottles or beer to comfort himself as he literally acted crazy on stage for entertainment purposes. 

You Me At Six came on and the all the fans immediately got excited! The feeling you had when they came on was amazing because it felt unreal. For me it felt like I fell in love again. Something spontaneous and secretive as I was admiring the singers and guitarist. I felt smitten. For the younger girls it was one huge orgasm. The boys just followed the girls and got excitement from the interaction from the band. I hadn't felt this good in ages. I missed it. I loved every moment this band came on. I felt like I knew them. I felt wanted even though behind me stood a million more people!

The photographer caught my eye, as I enjoyed the music, he glanced at me and smiled. Politely I smiled back and he came over and asked me if I was having fun. This was very unexpected and I really couldn't decide if he was genuine or just done this at every gig. Eventually I got so thirsty and asked him to get me some water. He told me it wasn't his job and decided to wink!! When I finally got some water he said to me, how does it feel? With a cheeky wink. It made me blush but I couldn't draw my attention away from Josh Franchechi (lead singer).

I walked out of the venue feeling like I'd had a wild night of sex. I was satisfied. I'd wish it would never ended!

my blog virginity has been popped, goodbye cherries.

The clocks go back. I love this, your ment to be getting an extra hour sleep, I didn't. I'm awake. No alarm has summoned me, my eyes have genuinely woken by their own free will. I want to write a blog, it's just impossible with a computer and my kind of schedule. I mean I hardly do much, but maybe I'm lazy and don't think I'm capable to write a blog on a regular basis. I miss writing. The escape you have when your pen first touches the paper, the yearning the pen feels when their apart, like a forbidden romance. 
The paper embraces the pens ink, making the pen flow smoothly across the lines, word for word the story grows.
Oops, a mistake. "I'm sorry page, this might hurt." mutters the pen.
Scratch, a double line over the unwanted word. The page screeched as it got it's messy tattoo. 

I fail to finish my own work, is this because of my lack of inspiration? Or my dead end ideas? I'm struggling. Why am I awake? It's 7am on the 'day of rest'. I've been up since 5. Some day of rest this is turning out to be. I've decided to start a blog because I want to write more and express myself in the form of blogging. I questioned writing a diary, but I have earlier memories of it going to plan and not keeping the commitment. Maybe that's what will happen on here, I hope not.